Pilots in Fanonland: A Fractured Fairytale
by mindmelda
Summary: Can the GW pilots escape Fanonland, evil empire of the Dread Mary Sue?
1. Chapter One

Title: Pilots in Fanonland, a Fractured Fairy Tale  
  
Author: Gina Lin Series: Gundam Wing Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: Everyone, 1x2, 3x4x5 Warnings: Citrus, AU, OOC Weirdness, Language, Adult Humor, Self-Insertion, Yaoi, Mary Sue Abuse(yay!) Rated: R Archived: SDQB, S_E Updates, FF.net, GWFF  
  
Summary: Will the GW pilots be able to escape from Fanonland,(and the author's lame-ass sense of humor)? Only by reading this story will you be able to find out. Then pass it on, requesting each person send one dollar.whoops, wrong file! Note: Author's comments in parentheses, character thoughts in / /  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"Heero, why are we all in the same safehouse?" Duo woke up in a field of poppies (which turned out to be a really ugly bedspread in a Motel 6 outside of Salinas, Kansas, but I'm getting ahead of myself) rubbing his violet, amethyst, purple, violet blue, cerulean, blue violet eyes. /They're blue godammit, get over it!" Duo wondered for a moment why fangirls were so obsessed with his eye color./  
  
"I don't know." The messy, chocolate, shaggy haired Japanese boy looked around the strange room and shrugged.  
  
Quatre blinked his huge, innocent aquamarine eyes. (Yes, Mary Sue, I forgot " clear" and "shining". Quatre's eyes are always clear and shining in fanon, even when he's had no sleep for 3 days, has the flu and is piss drunk. Now shut up, or I'm going to slap you for being such an asshat! Where was I? Oh right.)  
  
"Heero, Duo, we must be in Fanonland!" Quatre squealed. The other pilots startled at hearing this, because the only time any of them had heard Quatre squeal before was when Duo had put a big tack on Sandrock's seat. (Boy, did Duo get his ass whipped for that! Oh, sorry, back to the story.)  
  
"I feel so odd." Quatre put his hand to his forehead. "Do I have a fever?"  
  
"No, but you do look a little.smaller." Duo gasped, staring at him.  
  
"Suddenly, I can't think, and Allah, my genitals are shrinking! I think I must be turning into Pansy!"  
  
"Pansy?" Duo grabbed his shining, beautiful-beyond-all-reason-braid in distress. (25,000 fangirls sighed, causing a major low-pressure front off the coast of Japan. The resulting typhoon killed 1357 people; film at 11:00.)  
  
"Why do you think we're in this "Fanonland?" Wufei had awakened, and was looking skeptical.  
  
Then some strange force compelled him to place his hand on his katana (Which was odd in and of itself, because he never slept thusly. Sleeping with sharp, pointy objects is a no-no, boys and girls, and Wufei does not recommend it.) then look frantically around for a "weak onna" to decapitate. Since he'd never been a rabid misogynist before, this was highly disturbing.  
  
"We are all acting in a completely out of character fashion; and we're in a situation that never once occurred in the series." Trowa now also awake, summed up succinctly. "We were never once all in the same safehouse. And I know for damn sure Wufei does not sleep with his katana."  
  
Wufei smirked, then looked at Quatre with growing concern. Quatre had shrunk alarmingly. He was now the size of an 8 year-old boy and was wearing.a bunny suit? Wufei blinked hard, trying to clear his eyes of this disturbing vision. (At this moment, The SDQB-The Society to Defend Quatre's Balls went to Defcon 3, sensing through their special empathic powers a possible Pansy alert.)  
  
"Quite a speech, Tro." Duo unbuttoned his priest's collar. "Say is it just me, or is it hot in here?" He opened the top of his shirt, and ran his hand over his chest, which had become shiny with perspiration.  
  
"Not for long I fear, Duo." Trowa looked troubled. "If we truly are in Fanonland, I'll be speaking in monosyllables before the night is over."  
  
"That's nothing compared to what's happening to me!" Quatre looked scared in his bunny suit, and yet strangely neither of his lovers felt the need to reassure him.  
  
"It's as I feared, Quatre has become 'Pansy'." Heero shook his head. The other pilots looked puzzled. "Pansy is Quatre's alter ego in Fanonland. He's weak, insipid, and probably unable to pilot a Gundam because of his dramatically reduced IQ."  
  
Quatre began to cry, copious tears running down his face. Trowa turned away, knowing this was an odd reaction for him. He tried to summon up compassion for Quatre, but felt strangely stifled.  
  
"What the hell?" Duo stared at the blond boy. "I've never seen Quatre cry like that!"  
  
"It's the Pansy effect," explained Heero. "He can't help himself."  
  
"How do you know all this stuff?" Duo had taken off his shirt and was absently fondling his nipples.  
  
"I've run into fanon on the Internet. It's inevitable, it's everywhere. You're being affected too, Duo."  
  
"Who me?" Duo leaned back seductively and unfastened his pants. "I don't know what you're talking about, Hee-chan."  
  
"You never call me Hee-chan except when you're coming on to me. Think about it."  
  
"Skippy." Trowa nodded his head in Duo's direction.  
  
"Who is Skippy?" Wufei reached up suddenly and put his hand to his nose. To his surprise, it was bleeding. /What the hell? My nose doesn't bleed for no reason!/  
  
"Skippy is Duo's Fanonland alter ego." Heero recited facts mechanically, and glared unnecessarily at Duo. "Skippy refers to a brand of peanut butter that is 'easily spread'."  
  
(The SDDI-The Society to Defend Duo's Intelligence-also went on yellow alert at this point.)  
  
Heero magically pulled a laptop out of his spandex shorts. (Spandex Black Hole Storage TM, "Serving all your 4th Dimensional Storage Needs!") He began to type furiously, searching and hacking various fanfiction sites.  
  
Trowa suddenly and disturbingly became interested in Quatre, now that he was shota bait. Then he realized that he was becoming SBT. Silent Bastard Trowa. Unfortunately, he didn't care.  
  
"What's Duo doing?" Pansy huddled behind Wufei who resisted the urge to run the boy through, knowing it was out of character. He attempted to meditate, but found his brain was only capable of meaningless rants against women, weakness and injustice.  
  
"He's become Skippy." Duo was totally naked now, and attempting to rub himself frantically against the other pilots. Heero, having lost his sex drive as he gradually became the automaton "Perfect Soldier" ignored him at first, and then tried to push him away.  
  
"He wants to do naughty things with his wee-wee!" Pansy shrieked.  
  
Wufei looked at Quatre with astonishment, then gave Heero an inquiring look.  
  
"Pansy also has no knowledge of anything sexual."  
  
"That's gonna put a damper on the orgy!" Skippy approached Pansy with a raging hard-on and the bunny-suited boy squeaked in alarm and hid under the bed. (He was now small enough to fit under there.)  
  
"Heero." Trowa was now reduced to monosyllables, as he had predicted. "Must. leave Fanon.land."  
  
"I know." Heero squared his wiry frame. "Mission accepted." He reached into his form fitting shorts and pulled out a pistol. (Spandex Black Hole Storage TM, Serving all Your..Hey, you guys got a plug earlier, get lost!)  
  
Wufei was nearly anemic from his nosebleed as Skippy chased him around the room, trying frantically to rub himself on the Chinese youth.  
  
Trowa continued to ignore Quatre's pitiful sobbing. "You insensitive beast!" cried Pansy, attempting to rip his non-existent bodice as he beat his small fists weakly against SBT's chest.  
  
Finally Skippy, exhausted from his fruitless attempts to seduce the other pilots, ran to the bathroom to "relieve" himself of his massive "problem". Wufei attempted to staunch his nosebleed with one of those under-sized cheap-ass rough towels they always give you at Motel 6.  
  
Heero realized at that point, it was up to him to save his friends. He must find the Dread Mary Sue responsible for Fanonland, and slay her!  
  
TBC 


	2. Chapter Two

Title: Pilots in Fanonland, a Fractured Fairy Tale  
  
Author: Gina Lin Series: Gundam Wing Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: Everyone, 1x2, 3x4x5 Warnings: Citrus, AU, OOC Weirdness, Language, Adult Humor, Self-Insertion, Yaoi, Mary Sue Abuse(yay!) Rated: R Archived: SDQB, S_E Updates, FF.net, GWFF  
  
Disclaimer: I don't make money writing fanfiction about the characters from Gundam Wing. Especially stuff like this. Thanks to Mandy, Alleyprowler, Anne, Bast, Hexidecimalrebooted, and Rain for sharing and contributing content to this story. Flames will be used to roast hot dogs and marshmallows for the characters as they laugh at you.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
No sooner had Heero resolved to take action against the Dread Mary Sue, but he began to feel.odd.  
  
"Heero." Trowa gave him a frantic hand signal; he was still unable to utter more than one word at a time.  
  
"Trowa! I seem to be getting smaller, and softer!"  
  
"Pink.. lips." Trowa stared at Heero's mouth.  
  
Heero fished around in his spandex for a shaving mirror. (Spandex Black Hole Storage..Okay, that's enough of that! You've had your plug now get lost!)  
  
While delving into those 90% cotton, 10% lycra shorts, he noticed something alarming. "My dick is shrinking! My balls have shrunk to the size of peas! I'm growing breasts, dammit!"  
  
Duo looked outraged. "All right, lousy characterization is one thing, but you're messing with my nookie, Dread Mary Sue!"  
  
He whipped out( Not that, perverts! I swear to heaven, one little sexually oriented scene and you're all foaming at the mouth!) a set of lock picks, some C4 explosive, a giant economy sized tube of cherry flavored lube and some bubble gum from his silky chestnut braid. (Ha! A fanon point to me for using both "chestnut" and "silky" to describe Duo's braid in one sentence! High fives the fanon muse!)  
  
Seizing the bubble gum, he unwrapped a piece and began to chew furiously. (Sugar helps him think, okay?)  
  
"I know! Maybe the C4!" (The sugar had kicked in.) "We'll find this Dread Mary Sue and blow her back to the dark corner of hell where she came from." Duo laughed evilly, and his featured darkened dramatically. A small but deadly looking scythe appeared in his hand.  
  
"Shinigami!" shrieked Pansy in dread, although Quatre had begun to morph again. He was somewhat taller, but his little finger seemed to be stuck in the extended position.  
  
"I have this overwhelming urge to make us all tea and cookies!" Quatre went to see if the room had a kitchenette.  
  
"Percy." Trowa rolled his one visible eye. Wufei nodded. He was familiar with Percy, who had once tried to give him tea after a serious abdominal wound and had damn near killed him!  
  
"I hope Guido doesn't show up!" Wufei groaned loudly and unconsciously began to rub his ass. "You have no idea how much I hate that guy and his 10 inch dick! And he's always beating the piss out of us!"  
  
"Testosterone." Trowa was undergoing his own transformation, and knew he'd soon be completely mute. He was wearing half a mask and had oversized clown pants on. Mute Clown Trowa began to emerge and Trowa knew he'd be juggling or throwing knives at any moment.  
  
He gave Wufei a sad look. Wufei looked down at himself. His usual comfortable martial arts attire had given way to fishnet stockings, and a French maid's outfit, complete with high heels!  
  
"OH no!" he yelled. "Wannabe Onna Wufei! I hate these fuck-me shoes! And I'm using Japanese. I'm Chinese, you stupid panty stain!"  
  
"Well, that's what you get for all the ranting against women, it makes some writers think you're protesting too much!" Percy had made tea and was drinking it with his legs crossed in the blatantly stereotypical pose of a swishy gay male.  
  
"I don't hate WOMEN!" Wufei grated out between clenched teeth, his ankles twisting painfully in the 3-inch heels. "Although I'll make an exception for Mary Sue."  
  
"Oh, you look so cute!" Percy looked over at Heero who had been transformed into a Japanese schoolgirl wearing a sailor fuku, including a short pleated skirt and knee socks.  
  
"I need my spandex back, I feel so naked!" said Heero in a high girlish voice, moistening his full pink lips.  
  
"I want my Heero back, you dark fiend from the abyss!" Duo seethed and began to grow black wings from his back. He brandished the scythe in a threatening manner. "Shinigami is back from hell! And he's coming for you, Dread Mary Sue!"(A rock guitar riff was heard offstage.)  
  
"Ooh, look at his pretty wings!" Percy drank another cup of tea and began to pass around some sugar cookies cut into the shape of angels. White wings sprang from his own back and he looked down and smiled cherubically at his sparkling white new clothes.  
  
He batted his humungous blue eyes at Mute Clown Trowa and offered him a cookie. M.C. Trowa took three and began to juggle them.  
  
"Little One!" said Wufei. "I was wondering when you'd show up!"  
  
"Actually, it's 'Angel' but since I'm too sweet, innocent and clueless to object, you may call me 'Little One'."  
  
"Don't you have to pee after all that tea?" Wufei was relieved to see his French maid's outfit was gone, and he was back in his usual attire. He leaned over to rub his aching toes.  
  
"Angels don't do icky things like that!" Angel giggled and multi-colored sparkles flew around him like dust motes.  
  
"Yeah, Angel craps sunshine and pisses lemonade," growled Shingami. "It's enough to make you puke!"  
  
"Be gone! You evil dark creature of the night!" squealed Angel, and turned a blinding smile on Shinigami that scorched his black feathered wings.  
  
"You know you want to fuck me!" yelled Shinigami as he dissolved into a myriad of black spots and once again became Duo.  
  
"Boy, what a head rush!" Duo rubbed his face, and stumbling a little. "Did one of you slip something into my bubble gum?"  
  
"Help me Duo, I'm a damsel in distress!" Heero was still a Japanese schoolgirl.  
  
Duo was now wearing a velvet prince's costume. "Great, now I look like some moron in a grade school production of Sleeping Beauty!"  
  
He pulled out his ornately gilded sword. "I'm coming Heero, hang on!"  
  
"Did someone say 'coming'?" growled a seductive voice in his ear.  
  
"Butch!" Wufei reached for his own sword, but it was missing. "Damn it! Run everyone!"  
  
"Who's that!" Little One's eyes glowed as he fingered the collar around his neck. "He's so big and handsome!" Little One was naked except for a small blue silk thong and some glittery makeup.  
  
"All right, who's gonna be my bitch?" Butch aka Super Seme Trowa was dressed in black leather pants and held a riding crop.  
  
"Save me Prince Duo!" Sailor Heero cringed and ran to hide behind Prince Duo.  
  
"This is getting ridiculous; how many fanon stereotypes can one crazed Mary Sue write in one lifetime?" Wufei folded his arms and looked disgusted.  
  
"Maybe if we all concentrate and say, 'There's no series like Gundam Wing!' and click our heels three times, we can all get back home!" Wufei held out his hands in supplication to the other pilots.  
  
"It's no use, Wufei," Duo said sadly. "We'll never be free of the Dread Mary Sue. We are hers to toy with! Besides I think we could get sued for stealing that from The Wizard of OZ."  
  
"Gundam Wing got away with using 'OZ'. Wufei argued with him.  
  
Butch grinned lasciviously at Little One, and stroked him with the riding crop, then delivered a stinging blow that made Little One scream and moan simultaneously.  
  
"Stop that, Trowa, you know this is entirely out of character!" Wufei felt he might be safe now, after all, he had fewer silly fangirls lusting after him than the other pilots and was often neglected entirely in fanon.  
  
"I know, but I can't help it, I want to put big hickeys all over Little One, beat him silly and drip hot candle wax on him!"  
  
"That's not even proper bondage!" Duo put his hands on his velvet-covered hips. "You're supposed to use safe words!"  
  
"Thirteen year old girls don't know that!" Trowa tried to put down the riding crop.  
  
"Come on Trowa, fight it! You too Heero, I need you back in fighting shape so we can defeat the Dread Mary Sue. Besides, this is really gonna screw up our date tomorrow night! Quatre, I need your brilliant strategic mind to come up with a plan! We gotta get out of here before we forget who we really are!"  
  
"Trying!" Quatre's face was tense with concentration. "I'm really trying Duo, but she might be too strong for us!"  
  
"We won a war, we can beat one deluded fangirl!" Duo exhorted them. "Wufei, you seem almost normal, help me!"  
  
"Duo is right! We must fight this injustice! Our characters are being maligned!"  
  
"I think I feel my IQ rising!" Quatre stood up and he had on his usual ensemble of a pastel dress shirt, a vest and khaki pants. "Oh, this is much better! I thought I'd never get that thong out of my ass!" He peeked down the front of his pants. "Welcome back Balls! I missed you!" He laughed with sheer delight. "Trowa, I don't want Butch, I want you." He dropped his voice. "Save those pants for later, though, baby. They're hotter than a popcorn fart!"  
  
Trowa grinned and cleared his throat. "I can talk again!" He pulled Quatre into his arms and hugged him. "I'm me again!"  
  
"Come on Heero, you can do it. Get your own balls back, we need them!" Duo grabbed Heero and shook him. "Snap out of it, you're not a giggling schoolgirl. You're a highly trained mission specialist who operates a sophisticated piece of technology!"  
  
"Don't feel lonely, Heero." Quatre looked pissed. "They're always forgetting that about me too!"  
  
"Hey, it just as easily could have been me." Duo smiled as Heero's face and body began to take on its familiar masculine lines. "I hate being Duette!"  
  
"Well, to be fair, maybe Mary Sue has never seen the series. Maybe she's assuming the stories she's read are all canon." Quatre looked at the others to gauge their reaction.  
  
"No excuse!" snorted Wufie "What's she doing writing stories about something she's never even seen?"  
  
"Well, there's the manga," said Heero, now clad in his normal attire of tank top, shorts and sneakers. "You could at least read that. I've seen it online."  
  
"I think the Dread Mary Sue is just some poor misguided kid." Trowa pulled thoughtfully at his hair. "Maybe we can show her the error of her ways and ask her to stop writing this nonsense about us."  
  
"Won't work!" Duo shook his head. "We've all tried. These fanon depictions go on and on!"  
  
"What are we going to do, gentlemen?" Quatre held out his hands to them.  
  
"I say we hack into her hard drive and crash it." Heero's fingers itched at the thought.  
  
"We could offer her a truce," Quatre suggested. "If she promises not to write anymore crappy fanon, we could see to it her acne clears up."  
  
"I say we break into her house, tie her to the bed post and tickle her with a feather until she passes out."  
  
"Inventive Duo, but hardly helpful. Keep that in mind for our date tomorrow, though." Heero shook his head at Duo, then smiled.  
  
"I could run her through with my katana."  
  
Everyone looked at Wufei. "Hey, it's an R rated story. Violence is allowed."  
  
"Kind of extreme, don't you think?" Quatre frowned at Wufei.  
  
"After what we've been through? NO! My feet still hurt from those friggin shoes."  
  
"I know, why don't we get someone to write a story making fun of fanon stereotypes?" Quatre clapped his hands together in delight. "Then maybe the Dread Mary Sue will realize what a disservice she's doing to our characters."  
  
"I couldn't agree more." A suave voice was heard and Treize Kushrenada came into the small motel room.  
  
"Treize!" Wufei looked stunned.  
  
"Surprised to see me, Wufei?" Treize sounded almost coy.  
  
"Well, yeah, actually. You're dead, Jim; I mean Treize."  
  
"This is fanfiction, my dear dragon. I've been resurrected more times than a cheesy sitcom plot."  
  
"Oh." Wufei sniffed. "Do I smell roses?"  
  
Treize sighed. "Yes, it seems to follow me everywhere in these kinds of stories."  
  
"Geez Treize, ya smell like an old lady." Duo grinned at him.  
  
"I even have to put a rose scented suppository up my ass for rimming scenes." Trieze frowned. "Fangirls are such a colossal pain." He sat down and then shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"Why are you here?" Heero asked him point blank. It felt great to be back to his usual pragmatic self.  
  
"I'm here to help destroy Mary Sue, of course. It won't be the first time we've fought together to rid ourselves of a mutual enemy."  
  
"Smooth as ever, Treize." Wufei looked at him, his features softening.  
  
"And you are as handsome as ever, my Wufei." Treize offered him a 100 watt smile. Wufei blushed and looked away.  
  
" Zechs should be along momentarily." Treize looked over at Heero to gauge his reaction.  
  
Heero glared. "We don't need him!"  
  
"Oh, come on, we need all the help we can get!" Wufei turned to him. "I know Zechs isn't your favorite character, but he is a hell of a fighter."  
  
There was a knock at the door and Quatre went to open it. "So, she got you too, my friend." Treize gave Zechs a sympathetic look.  
  
"She's decided she likes my long flowing platinum locks." Zechs scowled. "Although I have to admit, that hot lemon scene with Quatre wasn't entirely unappreciated." He winked at Quatre.  
  
Quatre blushed and looked at his shoes as Trowa and Wufei stared at him.  
  
"Hey, she made me do it!" Quatre glared back at them.  
  
"One more reason to get rid of that bitch Mary Sue!" Trowa growled.  
  
"Be careful, Butch will be back full force if you keep that up!" Quatre warned him.  
  
"Well, now that we're all here, shall we decide what strategy we will use against the Dread Mary Sue?" Treize looked expectantly at the others.  
  
"Of course you know, this means war!" Duo mimed pulling off an imaginary white glove and slapping Mary Sue across the face.  
  
TBC  
  
" 


	3. Chapter Three

Title: Pilots in Fanonland, a Fractured Fairy Tale  
  
Authors: Gina Lin and Al Hael Series: Gundam Wing/Star Trek Xover(this chapter, contributed by Al Hael) Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: Everyone, 1x2, 3x4x5 Warnings: Citrus, AU, OOC Weirdness, Language, Adult Humor, Self-Insertion, Yaoi, Mary Sue Abuse(yay!) Rated: R Archived: SDQB, S_E Updates, FF.net, GWFF  
  
Disclaimer: I don't make money writing fanfiction about the characters from Gundam Wing. Especially stuff like this. Thanks to Mandy, Alleyprowler, Anne, Bast, Hexidecimalrebooted, and Rain for sharing and contributing content to this story. Flames will be used to roast hot dogs and marshmallows for the characters as they laugh at you.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Captain's log : Stardate 149.5-  
  
Captain Ah Hael of The FF Muse (that's The F*cking Fickle Muse):  
  
We have set out on a mission to find out what happened to the much beloved Gundam Wing characters. At first it was believed that they disappeared because the series was over, but now we have found evidence that they may be lost in Fanonland. Fanonland is a world that is reputed to distort everything beyond its original state. Before I risk my ship and crew in such a world I must be absolutely sure they are there. *********** "Ensign Shan report."  
  
"Sir we have a confirmed sighting of six of the Gundam Wing characters," the ensign replied sharply. "The initial findings do support that they are in Fanonland."  
  
"Explain."  
  
"Heero was seen wearing those spandex shorts of his with the unlimited storage capacity. Wufei was brandishing his katana and spouting Japanese."  
  
"Damn! Did you see any other character distortions? What about Duo?" It did sound like typical Fanon distortion, but they needed more to go on.  
  
"His IQ fell into the basement and he was displaying an alarming libido."  
  
"Quatre?"  
  
"Weeping fountains of tears in a bunny outfit sir."  
  
"Trowa."  
  
"I couldn't tell. He seemed incapable of speech. Treize was resurrected from the dead, though."  
  
"Hmmm. Any anomalies? Any reason to think this may not be Fanonland?"  
  
"Well Relena didn't show up with a grossly exaggerated annoying voice stalking Heero like a rabid she wolf."  
  
The Captain turned to the science Officer Lieutenant Commander McCracken. "If we try to go in to rescue them, what risk is it to us?"  
  
"Well sir, I estimate 70 to 80 percent of the crew will turn female, the bulk of them will be in their teens and will probably exhibit groupie syndrome."  
  
The Captain paused for a moment unsure if she wanted to take such a risk. "Tell me ensign, was there any yaoi?"  
  
The ensign quickly reviewed the research he had and had to smile at the captain. "Confirmed sir! All five pilots are homosexual, and romantically involved with each other. Regardless of the statistically laughable likelihood that such a thing could happen outside a gay bar!"  
  
"Very well then. Let's go rescue those characters. Creativity engines on full!"  
  
"Aye, Captain!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I think we're safe for now." Trowa braved a look outside of the room they had awoken in. "It seems perfectly normal outside."  
  
"That could be an illusion." Quatre shook his head. "I just feel something is very wrong."  
  
"Heero, what do you think?" Quatre looked back at the figure of his friend, who was thankfully still looking like his usual self.  
  
"If I had Wing Zero, I'd show Dread Mary Sue what happens when you screw with a Gundam Pilot!"  
  
"Hee-chan, oops, I mean Heero," Duo corrected himself, "We all know that fangirls never write about our Gundams, except as a place to get laid! Poor Deathscythe has been spooged on more often than the seats in a XXX theater!"  
  
"I bet if I had Heavyarms, she'd forget to give me ammunition anyway." Trowa sighed loudly. "Everyone thinks that's so damn funny."  
  
"What about me?" Wufei stood up indignantly. "Everyone thinks I'm screwing my Gundam. Calling it Nataku is a spiritual thing! It's disgusting!"  
  
"I will not subject my Sandrock to such things!" Quatre folded his arms.  
  
"Oh, come on, " Trowa looked at him. "We actually did do that!"  
  
"Just that once!" Quatre blushed and looked studiously out the window.  
  
"Actually, I tried it once with Hilde, then once with Heero." Duo grinned. Everyone looked at him with various degrees of surprise.  
  
"Hey, I'm a teenager, I was experimenting with my sexual orientation issues!"  
  
"Noin." Zechs blurted out and sat down heavily. "She just kept pestering me until we tried it."  
  
"What about you Heero? Wing Zero getting any action?"  
  
"Having sex in my Gundam exceeds the parameters of my training."  
  
"Riiight!" Duo laughed and slapped his leg. "This sound familiar? "Oh, Heero, harder, faster, more, more, oh, Heero you're so big!" Duo did a passing good imitation of Relena.  
  
Heero glared at him. "No more nookie for you, buddy."  
  
Zechs narrowed his eyes dangerously and ground his teeth, walking over to Heero. "Later," he growled and turned away on his heel.  
  
"I must be the only one around here with a normal hormone level." Wufei looked down his nose at the other pilots.  
  
"Excuse me, but aren't you forgetting something?" Treize interjected smoothly.  
  
"We had a sword fight!" Wufei shot him a hard look.  
  
"Oh, is that what they're calling it now?" Treize asked, smirking at him.  
  
"Stop that!" Wufei threw a pillow in the general direction of Treize's head.  
  
"Pillow fight!" yelled Duo, grabbing one and smacking Zechs from behind on the butt.  
  
"You sneak!" Zechs grabbed a pillow of his own and swung back at Duo, missing as Duo ducked at the last moment.  
  
"Heero, load up!" Duo threw him a pillow. Heero caught the pillow smoothly in mid air and swung hard, knocking Zechs down to the bed.  
  
Quatre laughed as he was nailed by a flying sofa cushion. He grabbed it and smacked the first person near him, which happened to be Treize.  
  
"What the?" Treize looked up from all fours on the floor. "Dog pile!" yelled Duo, pushing Wufei over on top of Treize, then diving on top of them both. Wufei cursed in Cantonese and then giggled uncontrollably as Treize began to tickle him.  
  
"Oh no!" said Trowa.  
  
"What?" Quatre , Heero, and Zechs said in unison.  
  
"It's the Dread Mary Sue again!" Trowa explained urgently. "She's trying to write over the top comedy. Look at us, we're all acting like total idiots!"  
  
Treize left off tickling Wufei, who was now able to catch his breath. "I think Trowa is right!" Treize stood up and offered Wufei a hand.  
  
"This is totally out of character for me." He paused. "But it was fun." He smiled at Wufei.  
  
"Not all OOC is unpleasant." Trowa looked around. "I've had a few very nice threesomes with Quatre and Wufei." Wufei blushed and dug his toe into the rough rust colored carpet.  
  
"Yeah, but it's still out of character!" Duo protested. "If it's not in the warnings, some readers will think we always act like this!"  
  
"Quatre, what's wrong?" Trowa looked over to see Quatre clutching his chest and falling to his knees.  
  
"My Space Heart!" he gasped. "Trowa, someone is coming to rescue us!" He smiled sweetly (You know that smile, ^_~) at the assembly.  
  
"Can you tell who it is?" Heero asked, kneeling on one side as Trowa knelt on the other beside him.  
  
"Not exactly, but I feel its someone who understands our suffering first hand. They've also been sucked repeatedly into Fanonland!"  
  
"I wonder who they could be?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Captain, I've located the Gundam Wing cast!" Lieutenant Commander McCracken sounded as excited as Captain Al Hael had ever heard her.  
  
"Any female characters?" The Captain nervously licked her lips, and smoothed her hair back, thrusting out a hip.  
  
"No, no female characters detected, Ma'am!" McCracken straightened from her viewscreen. "Fangirls rarely write the female characters except to bash them."  
  
"I know." Captain Al Hael sighed. "It's a shame too, because they're great characters."  
  
"Ma'am I'm sensing that someone is sensing us!" Ship's counselor Sirena from Beta Zed entered the bridge. "I'm getting heart palpitations plus the urge to squeal uncontrollably. I'm sure we're near bishounen!"  
  
"All hands, this is the Captain!" Al Hael hit the intercom. "Prepare for battle, this is not a drill, battle stations!" The red alert siren came on, along with the claxon.  
  
"But Ma'am I'm not sensing the Dread Mary Sue!" Sirena simpered and bent over to expose her cleavage to Ensign Shan, who ignored it as usual. He'd seen her boobs more than the legendary Captain Kirk had seduced green alien women. Besides, he was gayer than springtime.  
  
"Rest assured, Lieutenant, wherever bishounen are, you'll find the Dread Mary Sue! Now go put your real uniform on, you look like a slut!"  
  
"Jealous bitch!" Sirena tossed her long loose hair (also against Star Fleet regulations) and strutted off the bridge.  
  
"Too bad the crew is 90% female, or she'd really be getting lucky." Captain Al Hael thought to herself. "She is kind of cute, in an obvious sort of way." She glanced over at McCracken and surreptitiously waggled her fingers at the stoic science officer.  
  
"All right, Ensign turn off that damn red alert, it's giving me a friggin migraine!" The captain sighed with relief and rubbed her forehead as Ensign Shan reached over and pressed a display.  
  
"Ma'am, I'm detecting something soft and mushy off the forward bow." McCracken announced this in her usual calm tone. "Judging from the high levels of chocolate and diet soda and the low levels of maturity showing up on my scanners, I'd say we've found our quarry."  
  
"The Dread Mary Sue!" Al Hael jumped to her feet. "We've got her now!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TBC 


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Pilots in Fanonland  
  
Author: Gina Lin (Star Trek excerpts by Al Hael) Series: Gundam Wing/Star Trek references Genre: Parody, Tripe Pairings: 1x2, 1xR, 2xH, 6x9, 3x4, 13x5, 5xS. Warnings: Yaoi, Extreme silliness, OOC, Character Bastardization(all for the sake of humor!) Rating: R for adult humor, situations, language Archived: Shades and Echoes, GWFF, FF.net  
  
Authors Note: If you've ever written GW fanfiction, and think you're the next J.K. Rowlings because of it, you're probably going to be offended by this. I mock some of my own story characterizations, plots and bad writing. (Oh, yes, gentle readers, some of my writing really, really sucks!) If you don't like the idea of any of that, please don't read. Flames will be used for roasting turkeys and inviting all the GW characters over to my house for a big dinner; where we shall laugh at people narcissistic enough to forget to laugh at themselves! (I plan on getting them drunk on margaritas and screwdrivers, then taking advantage of them on my king sized bed too, but that's another story.)  
  
AN2: In this chapter, I make great fun of the fact that ALL the characters are often written as homosexual. So if that pisses you off, don't read. I write yaoi myself, sometimes, so no flames, please!  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Treize, I want you to go out there, get in Tallgeese and fight the Dread Mary Sue!" Quatre, being the leader of the pilots, had made his decision.  
  
"Why me?" Trieze arched an eyebrow at him. "I was planning on rogering Wufei until screamed with delight on one of the king sized beds in here."  
  
"Treize, you're being affected by Fanonland!" Quatre shook him a little. "Don't you know that 13x5 pairing stories almost always have you rogering Wufei on a big silk covered bed?"  
  
"Oh, well that explains that." Treize sighed. "Still, it did sound like fun. And I do like silk."  
  
"Me too," admitted Wufei. "Although just once, I'd like to be on top!"  
  
"No deal!"  
  
"Then screw that, Treize!"  
  
"Hey, we don't have time for a bitch fight!" yelled Duo over their argument.  
  
"You know what would really help us out right now?"  
  
Everyone turned to look at Heero.  
  
"Female characters!" He turned up his palms. "If there were some of the original female characters here, we might be able to win against the Dread Mary Sue!"  
  
"Right Heero, Mary Sue's usually HATE all or most of the female characters! What a great idea!" Trowa sounded enthusiastic. "She'll probably implode at the first sight of Relena!"  
  
"Funny YOU should say that, Trowa, I think you and Quatre may be the only gay characters in this series!" Duo laughed.  
  
"Gay men don't hate women Duo, that's a stupid stereotype. Honestly, I'm sending you that GSA literature tomorrow. Read it!"  
  
"Sorry, man. I mean, Heero is pretty good in bed, except in those stories where he's slapping me around and raping the shit out of me. But, I'm sort of attached to Hilde. After all, we do live together!"  
  
"Yeah, Relena is getting kind of pissed at me for breaking our dates to go smack Duo around and rape him." Heero sighed. "Last week she locked me out of the bedroom."  
  
"Wufei, you need to make sure that "Misogynist Wufei" doesn't break loose when I get the ladies here, or Sally will slap the crap outta you again!"  
  
"Noin kicked me in the balls last time "Misogynist Wufei" showed up." Wufei looked pained. "I don't wanna go through that again! Besides, I like women."  
  
"Okay, I'm getting on the phone and calling the ladies!" Duo picked up the phone in the motel room and dialed 1-800-Fembots.  
  
"Fembots?" asked Quatre, reading over his shoulder.  
  
"Yeah, they thought the fembots in Austin Powers were kind of funny."  
  
"Sally Po-Chang speaking, is that you Duo?"  
  
"Yeah, Sal it's me. We have an emergency here. Now, I think we have some people coming to save us, but they might need your help. We need you ladies here in Salinas, Kansas at a really tacky Motel Six on the edge of town, like pronto!"  
  
"Noin wants to know where Zechs is, it's time for him to help give the kids a bath!" Sally sounded pissed.  
  
"Um he's been kidnapped by the Dread Mary Sue, along with the rest of us, Sally, that's why we need your help! Oh, and tell Hilde. She'll think I went out and got wasted with Howard again!"  
  
"Relena is pretty pissed too, she called me three times last night to find out if Heero had come over to get something stitched or bandaged."  
  
"Well, tell her to come! She's our secret weapon. One look at Relena and Mary Sue will melt like the witch when Dorothy threw a bucket of water on her!"  
  
"Hey, maybe I should bring Dorothy too!" Sally sounded excited.  
  
Quatre started making crosses with his fingers behind Duo and frantically shaking his head.  
  
"Nah, maybe not such a good idea. Quatre and Trowa are here, and frankly, last time Dorothy and Trowa got together, it wasn't pretty."  
  
"I can't believe some people put us together as a couple!" Trowa folded his arms and looked indignant. "I hate that bitch. Doesn't anyone remember I told Quatre to let her rot on Libra? She stabbed Quatre, and her eyebrows scare little children!"  
  
"I wonder how old Curb Feeler's doing these days?" asked Quatre, smirking. "What's even scarier is that some people think I'm into girls that run me through with sabers! I'm not a masochist!"  
  
"Well, I hear she's into this whole dominatrix thing with some artist girl from the Village." Wufei shrugged.  
  
"Really, well, hey, whatever floats your boat." Duo held his hand over the receiver.  
  
"Sally, you, Noin, and Une get into Taurus suits and get over here as soon can!"  
  
"Wufei's with you isn't he?" Sally still sounded put out.  
  
"Sally, you can argue with him later, just get over here!"  
  
"Well, Une will come if I tell her Treize is there. And Noin will have to find a babysitter, but she'll come, too. Hilde can bring Relena, they're having their nails done this afternoon!"  
  
"Great. Now make sure that Dread Mary Sue doesn't get hold of Relena. She'll have Relena trying to kill me to keep Heero from sleeping with me or something!"  
  
"Or whining constantly! I mean, Relena whined a bit when she was a teenager, but she's a diplomat now, for God's sake." Heero narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Well, you're the one that goes out with her, you should know." Duo shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"She did get a bit whiney when I forgot her birthday."  
  
"You forgot her birthday again!" Duo shook his head. "If you forgot my birthday, I'd kick your ass!"  
  
"Gentlemen, could we please focus on the problem at hand?" Treize stood up, straightening the epaulets on his uniform.  
  
"Sorry, Treize, it's just that we're not 16 years old anymore, and we're not Gundam pilots." Duo put his hands on his hips. "I don't wanna be 16 forever! For one thing, I'd like to grow a bit taller!"  
  
"Me too!" Wufei looked exasperated. "It's nice being taller than Sally now!"  
  
"Yeah, it's really annoying the way some writers forget to age us and make us grow. A 15 year old boy is right at the beginning of his growing spurt!" Heero, Wufei, Duo, Trowa, and Quatre all suddenly grew at least half a foot and gained around 40 lbs of muscle!  
  
"Hey, we're grown ups now!" Quatre looked at Trowa. "Wow, you grew up HOT!"  
  
"So did you!" Trowa glanced up shyly from under his hair. "But, you've seen me like this before, Cat, we've been living together for 4 years!"  
  
"Oh, yeah," Quatre looked confused. "Sorry, Fanonland is really screwing with my head."  
  
"Hey, I have pubes!" Duo ran over to the mirror. "And stubble, cool! Man, will Hilde and the kids be glad to see me all grown up again!"  
  
Wufei looked smug. "Look, I'm taller than Yuy."  
  
"Well, you weren't designed to fit in a cockpit from birth by a mad scientist." Heero scowled. "Besides, it's just an inch Wufei, get over it! Damn Dr. J, I probably have frog DNA."  
  
"Well, that explains a lot," said Duo. "You were always being found floating face down in the ocean for god knows how long and never once drowned."  
  
"Well, Zechs and I are delighted you're all grown up now." Treize looked bored and was starting think about dragging Une into the bathtub when she got there. /Sure, she's a little nutty, but what a babe when she gets those goofy buns out of her hair! / Thought Treize. "I wonder if she still has some of that rose scent..?"  
  
"Treize, Earth to Treize!" Duo was standing in front of him, and was now almost the same height.  
  
"Sorry, I was. preoccupied."  
  
"Hey, I think I hear something!" Quatre cocked his head. "Is that our rescuers?"  
  
Duo ran to the door and flung it open. "Judas Priest, there's a huge spaceship landing in the cornfield next door!"  
  
"Well, gee, that's original, a cornfield." Wufei rolled his eyes.  
  
A voice came down through the air conditioning ducts. "Shut up Wufei, I'm on a deadline and that was the best I could do!"  
  
Everyone froze. "Oh, no, I'm screwed, God is a woman!" Wufei looked alarmed. "Sorry about Misogynist Wufei, Ma'am, I mean God, Buddha, Allah, Gaia, whoever!"  
  
"I think that was the author, Wufei, calm down." Quatre invoked his empathy. "At least I hope that's not God. If it is, God has a bad back, arthritis in her right shoulder and has to pee."  
  
"That's enough Quatre, you're embarrassing me!" The voice echoed through the room again. "And I hate being called 'Ma'am' Wufei, so knock it off!"  
  
"Feh, I knew God wasn't a woman!" Wufei muttered under his breath.  
  
"I heard that Wufei! And if someone doesn't want to be in women's lingerie and 3 inch heels again, he'd better can the crap!"  
  
"Shutting up now, Ma.I mean, Oh esteemed author." Wufei bowed.  
  
"Why the blatant self-insertion, Author-type person?" Duo asked.  
  
"Because without me, you'll never defeat the Dread Mary Sue!"  
  
"Dammit, I had a feeling it was something like that." Zechs shook his head.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm not about to use Mary Sue's tactics. We're going to defeat her with ridicule!"  
  
"Ridicule?" Heero asked. "What kind of a weapon is ridicule?"  
  
"Well, I know you'd like nothing better than to jump in your Gundams and start blazing away, but that doesn't work on Mary Sue!" The Author was sad as she explained the exceptional resilience and persistence of Mary Sues.  
  
"Mission accepted."  
  
"Heero be careful, you know that Mary Sue loves catchphrases, she might be able to determine our location!" Quatre warned him.  
  
"Injustice!" Wufei yelled.  
  
"Wufei, you know you never yelled that once during the whole damned series!"  
  
"I know, but I couldn't help myself, Quatre."  
  
There was a knock at the door. "I'll get it!" Duo jumped up and flung open the door. (Interestingly, it had the number 47 on it.)  
  
"Noin!" Zechs strode forward and grabbed her. "I thought you'd never get here!"  
  
"Wufei, are you arguing with the author again?" Sally stood there with her hands on her hips, looking stern.  
  
"Well, yes dear, but I apologized."  
  
"You can give me a kiss then," Sally ran over to him and kissed him. "I'm so proud of you for not letting Mary Sue turn you into a ranting misogynist idiot!" Wufei wisely decided not to tell her about the women's underwear and heels.  
  
"Duo!" Hilde ran in and grabbed Duo. "And here I thought you were out getting wasted with Howard again! You poor man, getting caught by Mary Sue!" Relena followed her, still blowing on her nails. Heero held back until he could better gauge her mood. Relena had a mean left hook when she got upset.  
  
"I know, I need whumping!" Duo decided to play the scene for all it was worth and see if he could get lucky tonight.  
  
"Whumping?" Hilde asked, puzzled, as he nuzzled her neck.(Hey, puzzled rhymes with nuzzled!)  
  
"It means to comfort a character after he's been hurt or tortured," Duo explained to her.  
  
"Oh, by all means, I'll whump you!" Hilde purred.  
  
"Geez, babe, you make it sound really dirty!"  
  
"I hope so!"  
  
All right you two, knock it off! We're still not free of the Dread Mary Sue." Une came in with her hair in two braided buns with pink ribbons, wearing her uniform.  
  
/Damn! / thought Treize, /I was hoping Lady Une of the Sexy Miniskirt would turn up, not Colonel Une, hard ass extraordinaire!/  
  
"Excuse me, Une, could I borrow a couple of ribbons?" Treize stood up and held out his hand.  
  
"Why of course, Your Excellency!" Une took off her glasses and pulled the ribbon from her hair.  
  
"That's much better now, isn't it? Treize took her arm. "How'd you like to take a bubble bath with me?"(At this point, the author squealed, causing dogs in three nearby counties to burst into uncontrollable howling.)  
  
"Why that sounds heavenly, Treize," said Lady Une, laughing softly and taking his arm.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Captain Al Hael speaking!" The Captain stood and pulled down her uniform jacket, as per Picard regulation number 1246.9. "All hands, battle stations, this is not a drill."  
  
McCracken turned around. "Ma'am, my monitoring of the Gundam Characters conversations indicate that there is only one weapon that will destroy the Dread Mary Sue."  
  
"And that would be? Don't keep us in suspense, here, McCracken!"  
  
"Ridicule, Ma'am. A heavy sustained barrage of pure ridicule."  
  
The bridge fell silent except for the claxon of the red alert.  
  
"Turn off the red alert, Geez!" snapped Captain Al Hael.  
  
"Ma'am, I think I can set the ships phasers for ridicule, but it will take me at least 20 minutes." The monotone voice of ship's engineer Lt. Commander Stup came through the intercom.  
  
"Stup, it might take sustained and extreme ridicule. Can our engines take the strain?"  
  
"I predict a 96.9% chance of success."  
  
"Do it!" Captain Al Hael ordered. "Stup, have any of the engineering crew shown symptoms from our warp into Fanonland?"  
  
"No Ma'am, my engineer crew are Vulcans, we're resistant to such illogical characterizations."  
  
"Don't be overly confident," the Captain warned them. "In the hands of a Mary Sue, you could all suddenly go into pon farr!"  
  
"I'll be sure to keep that in mind, Ma'am."  
  
"Captain out, Stup, and I'm counting on you."  
  
"Yes, Ma'am."  
  
............20 minutes later........  
  
"Captain, the engine modifications have been successfully completed." Lt Commander Stup's calm voice came through on the com.  
  
"Have you had time to test them?"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am, we tested them on a human crew member and he laughed until he lost bladder control."  
  
"Perfect! Al Hael grinned fiercely. "At my signal, helmsmen, fire all ridiculous phasers at target. Your ass is mine, Dread Mary Sue!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Trowa, what are you looking at?" Quatre came over and looked out the window too.  
  
"That big spaceship seems be firing on a nearby house!"  
  
Everyone ran over to look out the motel windows.  
  
"You're right, Trowa, there's some sort of a beam coming out of the saucer section!" Noin pointed.  
  
"They're attacking the Dread Mary Sue!" Duo cheered, and Hilde jumped up and down.  
  
"Maybe if they win, we can all go home." Treize came out of the bathroom with a towel around his hips. Une had one wrapped around her.  
  
"The bathtubs here are really small!" he complained.  
  
Treize frowned as he scanned the room. "What's happening to you people?"  
  
"You know, I feel the uncontrollable urge to laugh!" Heero began to chuckle.  
  
"Me too!" Trowa fell back on one of the king-sized beds, laughing hard and holding his middle.  
  
Before long everyone was laughing hysterically. Treize's towel slipped a little and he grabbed at it.  
  
Zechs and Noin were collapsed on one of the beds, breathless.  
  
"That beam, it must be pure ridicule!" gasped Quatre, sprawling across Trowa.  
  
"It's working, I feel more myself every second!" Duo was on his knees, convulsed.  
  
"Take that, you silly fangirl!" Wufei rolled around on the floor. Sally pounded the floor with her fist.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dread Mary Sue sat at her computer, laboriously typing away. A bag of Hershey's miniature chocolates was torn open, and the keyboard was sticky with smudges of chocolate.  
  
She quit typing a moment, then smiled evilly and began to type again.  
  
"You know, everyone said it was so kawaii when I put Quatre in that bunny suit. And he was crying. It's so cool when Quatre cries and Trowa has to bring him flowers and carry him to the bedroom. I wish Jimmy Baylor from 3rd period math would do that." She sighed.  
  
Mary Sue popped another candy bar into her mouth.  
  
She began to hear a tiny nagging voice in the back of her mind.  
  
"Mary Sue, have you really watched Gundam Wing?"  
  
Mary Sue looked up in surprise. "Who was that?"  
  
"Let's just say your conscience."  
  
"My what?"  
  
"It's a tiny voice inside you that reminds you of right and wrong."  
  
"Wow, cool. I have one of those?"  
  
"More than likely, since you haven't tortured any animals or set the school on fire, not yet anyway. Although, you don't seem to mind torturing characters in anime."  
  
"Oh, no I only write cute stories about the boys in Gundam Wing. They're so kawaii!"  
  
"Mary Sue, how many Japanese lessons have you had?"  
  
"Well, little voice, none, really."  
  
"Then why do you try to speak Japanese?"  
  
"Because Duo speaks Japanese and I really really like him!"  
  
"Mary Sue, Duo is American."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Mary Sue, have you ever watched Gundam Wing?"  
  
"Well, I watched a few episodes on Cartoon Network, but they had Relena in them and I got bored. There were some good parts where Heero pointed a gun at her though!"  
  
"Mary Sue, Relena is a main character in Gundam Wing. Why are you writing stories about a series that has a main character that you hate?"  
  
"I just don't watch those parts!"  
  
"But that's about a third of the show, at least, Mary Sue!"  
  
"You're one of those people that doesn't want to see Heero and Duo get together, aren't you." Mary Sue narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the little voice.  
  
"No Mary Sue, this isn't really about pairings, this is about writing a story about the characters that doesn't make people want to heave up their toenails!"  
  
"Are you making fun of me, little voice?"  
  
"If that's what it takes, Mary Sue." The little voice had a determined edge to it.  
  
"Who are you!" Mary Sue was pissed now, sure that she was being flamed.  
  
"Ridicule, Mary Sue."  
  
"Ridicule?"  
  
"Yes, Mary Sue, you're going to be subjected to a full barrage of ridicule until you quit writing terrible stories based on fanon!"  
  
"What's fanon!" Mary Sue only had the vaguest idea of what the word "barrage" meant too, but she felt dumb asking.  
  
"It's stuff that is passed around in fanfiction stories until fans who don't know any better assume it's the truth about a series or a character."  
  
"Everything I write is the truth! Quatre cries every five minutes, Wufei hates girls, and Heero and Duo spend the whole series trying to run away from Relena and Hilde. Oh, and Trowa can't talk, I think he's a mime or something."  
  
"Mary Sue, none of that is in the series."  
  
"It is too!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is TOO!" Mary Sue was really pissed now. She shook her fist. "Well if that's not in the show, it should be. I hear the real show is about war and politics and soldiers; you know a bunch of really boring stuff!"  
  
Mary Sue gasped, realizing she had betrayed herself. She threw herself on the bed.  
  
"Okay, little voice, maybe I should have watched the show more. I mean, sometimes when I'm writing a story, I just make stuff up, or take things from other stories I thought were cool."  
  
"Well, Mary Sue, confession is good for the soul. It's a start." The small voice sighed. "Just remember this the next time you get the urge to write a really bad lemon. You're only a 15 year old girl, you've never even HAD sex (much less gay sex)! And please remember that it's usually a good thing to make sure you can write a simple paragraph before you try to write a whole story."  
  
"I'm sorry, little voice. I thought my stories were cute."  
  
"Well, Mary Sue, you've caused a lot of suffering to the characters you've written. Think about that before you put Wufei in 3 inch heels again."  
  
"But, what am I going to do on weekends if I don't write fanfiction?"  
  
"Why don't you watch the whole series and see if you like it?"  
  
"Hey, okay, maybe I'll do that!"  
  
"And remember, no more writing til you do, agreed?"  
  
"Well, okay, but can't I finish the story I'm writing now?"  
  
"Absofuckinglutely NOT!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Captain, sensors indicate Fanonland effects have decreased to amost nil!"  
  
Ensign Shan's voice held a note of excitement. "We've freed the characters!"  
  
Everyone on the bridge cheered, even the normally stoic McCracken.  
  
"Can we go home as well?" Captain Al Hael waited for the sensor readings.  
  
"Yes, the effect that brought us here has been sufficiently diminished to allow our safe passage to our own universe!" McCracken intoned.  
  
"Ensign Shan, warp 8 to home, and don't spare the horses! I don't want to spend one more moment than I have to in this fucked up place!"  
  
"Aye Ma'am, warp 8, full speed ahead!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Look at us, we're back to normal!" Quatre threw his arms around Trowa in relief.  
  
"It's about time, I told the babysitter we'd be home by 5." Noin tapped her foot impatiently.  
  
"Well, am I forgiven?" Heero asked Relena cautiously.  
  
"For forgetting my birthday no! For helping save us, I guess we can go out tonight."  
  
"Hey, I can always go out with Duo." Heero took her arm as they left the motel.  
  
"Hey, what was that for?" Duo asked in an outraged tone as Hilde cuffed him on the head.  
  
"For looking at Heero's ass."  
  
"Let's go home, baby, I still have a good whumping due me."  
  
"Treize, where are my pants?" "I have no idea, my dear Une. But don't worry, the room is rented up until tomorrow."  
  
The End 


End file.
